Avoiding conflict and disappointment when visitors from the US come to your new home abroad
I remember waking up one day in sunny Spain, seven hours ahead of my family in the US, and finding a special surprise in my inbox: my parents had booked their flights to come see us! Joy filled my heart as I mentally planned the fun things I could show them, the foods they could try, the historical sites they could see . . . the list went on and on.
However, when the day finally arrived, I quickly learned there were many things I hadn’t planned on. To help prevent disappointment and possible conflict during the much-needed visits by people who know you and love you, here are seven suggestions to keep in mind.
Just because you’re in love with your adopted country doesn’t mean they will be to.
This was a hard lesson to learn. Although both of our families were very supportive of our decision to move overseas, we realized they didn’t see Spain through our eyes. Spain was a place to visit, a “neat experience” but they didn’t particularly want to experience Spain the way we wanted them to.
Your ability to adapt to your new culture is a GIFT.
Don’t expect Grandma to feel that riding the subway is as “easy” and “simple” as you do. When people would visit us, they often seem stressed, worried and anxious while riding public transportation or walking on a busy street. In my mind, I pictured myself slapping them across the face and yelling, “Pull yourself together!” Instead, try this approach: “See how confidant little Emily walks down this street? She just feels so comfortable and safe here. To her, this is home.” or “I read an article last week that rated our metro system as one of the most efficient and a safe subway systems in the world. We feel very safe riding it.” Simply talking about your experiences will help your visitors feel more secure in their new surroundings.
Ask questions to see it from their perspective.
It’s easy to want to feel in charge when people come for a visit by having all the answers, transportations plans, etc. After all, you want to show them your city. However, being the know-it-all in this foreign place make you seem even further away from them emotionally. Instead, be intentional about finding out what your visitor can and cannot handle, and what they would be willing to try. Remember to ask questions to tune into their way of seeing things. “How do you feel about riding the bus?”
Talk about a budget before they arrive!
This can be an awkward thing to do, but if you are strapped for cash, it’s essential. In general, you will know months in advance that someone is coming to see you in your very cool, quaint European city. Therefore, you should start saving so that when they are there, you can do things you wouldn’t normally do.
However, it’s still good to talk to them about what you can and cannot afford to do. Eating out as opposed to preparing meals at home, for example, is something to clarify in advance.
Resist the urge to smack your visitor.
This is good advice any time, but specifically when they rave about how much they could see themselves living in your city, eating baguettes by the river, drinking wine at a corner café and clubbing every weekend night. Gently remind them of the reality of your very normal life. Oftentimes, our families and friends don’t have an accurate idea of what our daily lives look like because we don’t tell them. Sure it’s boring to you, but to them, had you stayed in the US I can guarantee you’d be talking almost every night to chat about Jimmy’s swimming lesson and Jill’s school play.
Remember that it’s also hard for family members and friends in the US.
They may have feelings of jealousy towards your new friends, culture and country who have the privilege of being around you all the time. This seems like a weird thing but imagine birthing, raising and loving a child for 18 years and then watching them leave your family, friends, and culture without a second glance. It can make family members feel left out, unwanted and no longer needed.
Communicate, communicate communicate.
Ask questions, check in with them in regards to how they are feeling emotionally and physically, and above all, have some grace. They are outside of their comfort zone, and for some, this is their vacation. Many of us function slightly different while in vacation mode.
This article was written by a Skybridger who lived in Spain for two years.
